Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex
PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.
"Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me," Woods said. "I've missed it. I love f&*#$g with all my heart."
Woods said that during his brief time away from sex, he couldn't stop thinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of sexual intercourse with random women who look vaguely like his wife, only skankier.
"When I am out there having sex, I am in complete control," said Woods, an acknowledged master of the long game who claims he is only truly at peace when he is between the legs of a woman. "It's just me and my thoughts. And a high-end escort. And the lounge dancer. And sometimes [caddie] Stevie. And probably some stewardess I just met."
"I'm so into it that I usually just block out all the cameras," Woods added.
"To be honest, I'd do this for free," Woods added. "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."
During his announcement, Woods released an aggressive touring schedule that reaffirmed his commitment to sex. He is slated to take part in a three-day lovemaking session in March at the Clarion Hotel in Orlando, and confirmed that he would join a foursome at the Doral Resort and Spa in Miami as a tune-up for his first major bangfest in Augusta, GA.
In addition, Woods said he will not renege on his annual stop in Dubai, and said he looked forward to boning a prostitute on the roof of this year's venue, the Burj Al Arab Hotel.
5 comments:
Alas and finally, a public figure who is honest!! I'm going to start a "drive" to lure tiger inot the 2012 Presiddential campaign...someone I can definitely trust...he'll always tell us the truth and uphold ythe sacred duty of Presidents to have affairs while in Office. Any suggestions as to running "mates"?
My first choice would have been Steve Williams, his long time Caddy. He's had years of experience covering up for Woody....and has probably even participated as a "Running Mate". Problem is he's a native New Zealander....Therefore, my second choice would be Elliot Spitzer. Another serial pervert and party-goer....What chance would Obama/Biden have against a Wodds/Spitzer (Wood Splitter)ticket...??...
To welcome Tiger back to the sexual world the National Federation of Skanks Who've Banged Tiger will be holding their own Whore's Across America event on Saturday March 6th. The "ladies" will stretch from the cocktail waitress in New York to the Porn Star in LA. If you've banged Tiger you're welcome to join! They're looking for girls to span Utah. Please contact NFSWBT for further details!
-Morgan
Hahahaha...perhaps he just needed to rest his wood and balls...not of fan of Palin but the campaign slogan could/would(wood) be.."nail'n Palin,not another easy lay"
Boy, I'm happy all the speculation is finally over. Finally, the NFSWBT's can show their NFSWBT pride by showing everyone they're more than cocktail waitress's and porn stars, they've also Banged Tiger.
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