Aries March 21 - April 19
An attempt at sexual innuendo goes awry this week when animal rights activists come out in full force to protest the dangerous, disgusting treatment of your pet cat.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You'll receive a giant burst of energy halfway through the week, thanks to lax safety regulations and an overheated nuclear reactor.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
A familiar face will bring you much- needed comfort this Thursday, at once allaying fears that your wife was cheating on you with a complete stranger.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
While you've always been proud of your ability to adapt to new and unexpected situations, you'll still fail to grow a set of functional gills by early next week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A series of gruesome events will soon leave you sickened by not only by the sight, but also by the sound, the feel, and the taste of blood.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
There's nothing quite like the laughter of children to illustrate what a total farce your life has become.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your disarming smile faces its biggest challenge this week when the U.S. government sends you to defuse tensions in Pakistan.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The purchase of a new rocking chair will soon give your ailing mother the illusion of motion.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't worry about what people are saying behind your back this week. Especially considering all the nasty things they'll be saying directly to your face.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
While it's been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you'll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Remember: whoever said that humans only use 10 percent of their brains was probably using less than 6 percent of his.